"Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there."
I am a firm believer that God speaks to us through situations, people, dreams and all sorts of things. The key is to be open and sensitive enough to the voice that is able to change your life and lead you to success. Yesterday I elaborated on a subject " when two worlds collide." I talked about women selling themselves short and our choices of men being limited. Although there is some truth to this I have had time to reflect on myself and search my heart knowing that there's an underlining issue surfacing that needs to be dealt with. " O happy the soul that saw its own faults." Its so easy to point out the faults of others and blame those who hurt you for your reactions. Its no secret that I've been experiencing an emotional meltdown that has been hard to pin point why these feelings are present. I have contributed it to turning 30 in a few months and the fear of being alone and fear of failing. I have realized that my blog " Arrested by Destiny" has been ringing more and more true. God is really pushing me to be greater and to achieve more HOWEVER there is unfinished business that needs to be dealt with and without this healing my goals and achievements will remain unreachable.
Today I was speaking with the same two men that I was speaking with yesterday that prompted my blog entitled " when two worlds collide." One of the men talked about a woman he is currently dating. He describes her as attractive, hard working, extremely intelligent, fun, thoughtful, goal-oriented, has a nice car and home. I said, " wow, that's great, she must be the one." His response was, "hell no, I couldn't be with her!" Immediately my defenses went up and attack mode arose ( defending this woman's right to have a man if she has all of these awesome qualities.) I asked, with my brow raised and ready to fire, "Well why is this?" He says, Because she is just too damn emotional. She cries about everything, she's offended by every little thing I say and she's constantly arguing. I don't argue." He goes on to say, " In addition to, she's 34 years of age, no kids and hasn't been in a committed relationship in quite some time. Something has to be wrong. She's just too hard to deal with." he continues and ends with, " She talks about her and her sister being abused by their mother and maybe that has something to do with it, I don't know." All i could do was sit there in awe and shame. This guy knows nothing of my past yet his words pierced my heart and inside I broke down. I saw myself in this woman that he spoke of and I can identify with her pain and her actions. I thought to myself, I must break from this bondage of being a victim of my past. I do not want to be the woman that no one wants to deal with because she makes decisions based on emotional baggage. Growing up experiencing emotional and physical abuse has taken a toll on my adult life for far too long. I associate situations that transpire now with the abuse and my reactions are offensive because in my eyes , I'm defending myself against the abuser. Its hard to trust and I thought everyone was out to hurt me, I create situations in my mind which builds an " I get you before you get me" mentality meaning I will assume I know what someone is doing to alleviate the possibility of being hurt, then when I come to reality I feel so bad I go overboard with trying to rectify the situation. Someone told me the other day, " you don't realize that going so far in each direction is why you can't find balance." that has stuck in my mind ever since. I panic when I feel someone is leaving or "disowning" me, I have dealt with self esteem issues, depression, fear, suicidal thoughts, finding comfort in food, failed friendships and relationships and the list goes on. I want nothing more than to live a happy, normal life free from the decisions of my mother and her past that ultimately led her to affect my life in such a negative way. There have been times when my mother has apologized indirectly, however, she never said for what and was in denial when I brought it up. How can you forget something that you put someone through for 17 years? I would ask. She never discussed it with me and I never told her that I forgave her because deep down inside, I didn't. I think back on her death and it passes through my mind that maybe it wasn't her sickness that she lost the battle to but years of pain, hurt, bitterness, unforgiveness and torture of some of the things she did that had eaten away at her soul and instead of dealing with it, she gave up. It saddens me to know she lived her life this way covering up her problems with alcohol. I wish i could bring her back to show her that there was an alternative lifestyle waiting for her, but I must move on. I forgive and love her and I pray that God gives peace to her aching soul.
I let go of the hurt. I renounce any and all things associated with my past. I have often talked about how ready I am to love and be loved but I didn't even love myself. I have never said those words regarding myself. I couldn't. I was ashamed of my life and I thought poorly of myself. It brings tears to my eyes but joy to my soul to say, I Love Me. In 29 years this is actually the first time I have said this and I honestly mean it. My past tells a painful story but also a great victory. It doesn't define my life or my potential. I can only hope that my mother, in her own time, has made peace with God regarding the issues she dealt with in her life. I pray that He assures her soul of my undying love for her. I am thankful to be healed. I look forward to continuing my journey free from doubt, fear and negative thoughts. Its often said that no one can change overnight but when you've lived in hurt and pain for years it's when you're fed up that you seize the opportunity for freedom. Yes, your life can change within moments and its up to you to keep that change ongoing to become all that you have dreamed of and more. This is my story unveiled. I'm not ashamed of it, its a beautiful scar that has so much meaning.....
" Sometimes a breakdown can be the beginning of a breakthrough, a way of living in advance through a trauma that prepares you for a future of radical transformation."
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