"Conquering the Goliath within"

"Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there."

I am a firm believer that God speaks to us through situations, people, dreams and all sorts of things. The key is to be open and sensitive enough to the voice that is able to change your life and lead you to success. Yesterday I elaborated on a subject " when two worlds collide." I talked about women selling themselves short and our choices of men being limited. Although there is some truth to this I have had time to reflect on myself and search my heart knowing that there's an underlining issue surfacing that needs to be dealt with. " O happy the soul that saw its own faults." Its so easy to point out the faults of others and blame those who hurt you for your reactions. Its no secret that I've been experiencing an emotional meltdown that has been hard to pin point why these feelings are present. I have contributed it to turning 30 in a few months and the fear of being alone and fear of failing. I have realized that my blog " Arrested by Destiny" has been ringing more and more true. God is really pushing me to be greater and to achieve more HOWEVER there is unfinished business that needs to be dealt with and without this healing my goals and achievements will remain unreachable.


Today I was speaking with the same two men that I was speaking with yesterday that prompted my blog entitled " when two worlds collide." One of the men talked about a woman he is currently dating. He describes her as attractive, hard working, extremely intelligent, fun, thoughtful, goal-oriented, has a nice car and home. I said, " wow, that's great, she must be the one." His response was, "hell no, I couldn't be with her!" Immediately my defenses went up and attack mode arose ( defending this woman's right to have a man if she has all of these awesome qualities.) I asked, with my brow raised and ready to fire, "Well why is this?" He says, Because she is just too damn emotional. She cries about everything, she's offended by every little thing I say and she's constantly arguing. I don't argue." He goes on to say, " In addition to, she's 34 years of age, no kids and hasn't been in a committed relationship in quite some time. Something has to be wrong. She's just too hard to deal with." he continues and ends with, " She talks about her and her sister being abused by their mother and maybe that has something to do with it, I don't know." All i could do was sit there in awe and shame. This guy knows nothing of my past yet his words pierced my heart and inside I broke down. I saw myself in this woman that he spoke of and I can identify with her pain and her actions. I thought to myself, I must break from this bondage of being a victim of my past. I do not want to be the woman that no one wants to deal with because she makes decisions based on emotional baggage. Growing up experiencing emotional and physical abuse has taken a toll on my adult life for far too long. I associate situations that transpire now with the abuse and my reactions are offensive because in my eyes , I'm defending myself against the abuser. Its hard to trust and I thought everyone was out to hurt me, I create situations in my mind which builds an " I get you before you get me" mentality meaning I will assume I know what someone is doing to alleviate the possibility of being hurt, then when I come to reality I feel so bad I go overboard with trying to rectify the situation. Someone told me the other day, " you don't realize that going so far in each direction is why you can't find balance." that has stuck in my mind ever since. I panic when I feel someone is leaving or "disowning" me, I have dealt with self esteem issues, depression, fear, suicidal thoughts, finding comfort in food, failed friendships and relationships and the list goes on. I want nothing more than to live a happy, normal life free from the decisions of my mother and her past that ultimately led her to affect my life in such a negative way. There have been times when my mother has apologized indirectly, however, she never said for what and was in denial when I brought it up. How can you forget something that you put someone through for 17 years? I would ask. She never discussed it with me and I never told her that I forgave her because deep down inside, I didn't. I think back on her death and it passes through my mind that maybe it wasn't her sickness that she lost the battle to but years of pain, hurt, bitterness, unforgiveness and torture of some of the things she did that had eaten away at her soul and instead of dealing with it, she gave up. It saddens me to know she lived her life this way covering up her problems with alcohol. I wish i could bring her back to show her that there was an alternative lifestyle waiting for her, but I must move on. I forgive and love her and I pray that God gives peace to her aching soul.


I let go of the hurt. I renounce any and all things associated with my past. I have often talked about how ready I am to love and be loved but I didn't even love myself. I have never said those words regarding myself. I couldn't. I was ashamed of my life and I thought poorly of myself. It brings tears to my eyes but joy to my soul to say, I Love Me. In 29 years this is actually the first time I have said this and I honestly mean it. My past tells a painful story but also a great victory. It doesn't define my life or my potential. I can only hope that my mother, in her own time, has made peace with God regarding the issues she dealt with in her life. I pray that He assures her soul of my undying love for her. I am thankful to be healed. I look forward to continuing my journey free from doubt, fear and negative thoughts. Its often said that no one can change overnight but when you've lived in hurt and pain for years it's when you're fed up that you seize the opportunity for freedom. Yes, your life can change within moments and its up to you to keep that change ongoing to become all that you have dreamed of and more. This is my story unveiled. I'm not ashamed of it, its a beautiful scar that has so much meaning.....

" Sometimes a breakdown can be the beginning of a breakthrough, a way of living in advance through a trauma that prepares you for a future of radical transformation."

Untitled

" pain is weakness leaving the body" my academy instructor used to yell. Its in these weak moments where your soul is being tested. All of the books read, quotes memorized, inspirational vids viewed do not mean a thing if the lessons learned from these things aren't put to use when you most need it. I have so many goals in mind yet I have seemingly unfinished business clouding it all. I look at my life and ask myself, do I really have to do this alone? Am I really turning 30 with no real support system? Wheres the family, the kids, the man, the fly friends ready to go to miami and party? Im estatic about what I know I can do that can possibly bring financial success and a comfortable life style, its no living doubt in my mind that I can achieve these things, BUT at the end of the day when im settled in and the chaos of the day rests, I look around and all I find is the shadows of what could be. Going with the flow of life makes me uncomfortable. Maybe what I desire is not really whats suppose to be. I realize as im writing this that if I stop resisting the life planned for me and say goodbye to the fairy tale in my head, the stress and pressure to be and to have will cease. Yes it would be nice to share life, issues, goals, love, tears, happiness, etc with people in it to win it with you but life goes on...timing is everything. I don't want to wake up one day and say I couldve done this or that but because I wasn't supported I let it go. Its time to utilize what I know to be certain and move forward, even if that means doing it alone....

Arrested by Destiny

Lately Ive been on an emotional roller coaster. Ive been trying to figure out this thing called "life." I dont know if its me being hard on myself or if a higher power is pressing me, pushing me and making me uncomfortable in my present state so that I will begin to work harder to achieve more. I cant explain how intense this "feeling" is. Its Like being in labor awaiting the birth of a child. For nine months its hidden in the womb growing, being nourished, preparing to make its entrance into the world. There's something inside of me thats been growing and it has reached the point where its time to deliver . When destiny reaches maturity nothing can contain it. My soul is restless. Sleepless nights and long days haunt me. Tears consume me and "the zone" has been my place of residence. Theres no time to question if im ready or wonder who will assist me because at this point, its do or die, now or never. Life has given me an ultimatum and non-compliance is not an option...or else. My hiding places have been revealed. Where I used to go for refuge, the resources have dried up. My cover is blown. So here I stand, alone, in the spotlight baring all...unconcealed, undisguised. The path before me awaits my steps, the directions are written in parables and its up to me to figure out precisely what its saying. The last words directed to me from my mother were " To my baby girl, be strong, you have alot to offer the world" has been on replay in my mind. Excuses will not work anymore, something or someone out there needs my input, my talents, gifts ,abilities. What God has placed in me he intended for it to be utilized. The pressure is on. No where to run, no where to hide...I have been eluding destiny but the chase is over, Im cornered and everywhere I turn Im blocked in....do I still try to run and take my chances of ending it all or do I surrender, surrender to destiny. I Come out with my hands up, whatever needs to be done I will do. I have been arrested....arrested by DESTINY......

Good times

Good times.....the times where living in the moment brings such satisfaction...where troubles are non existent, where logistics are thrown away... good times..where the only people that matter are the people in that moment, where good turns great, and bad...well hell its ok we'll deal with the consequences in the morning. Good times... when you get home and check your bank account and find out that last night you thought you were lightweight balling, when diets are broken, laughter is plenty and the guy youve been checking out across the room comes to introduce himself...good times...when you find yourself reading at 9 and by 1030 youre in your get em (him) dress, when the unexpected happens and nothing is concrete and you just go with the flow, when stilettos start to hurt but you keep dancing bc this guy is just too fine, when you give the little guy some play so he can feel like he did something...lol good times...when youre listening to your friend talk and all you hear is blah blah blah eventhough youre looking them dead in the eyes bc the vodka is taking over (lol) , when strangers become friends and people that used to matter no longer holds value...good times..when late nights turn into early mornings and being tired was well worth a GOOD TIME.... I look forward to more good times...


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So cold

In this life there will be times where things and people let you down. Its tough but it happens. The decisions you make have consequences and you must live with and accept the unpleasant aftermath...i wish pain was non existent in my life
I wish I didn't feel for others, care so much, love so hard...i just wish I was so cold that nothing would phase me. So cold that I cared only about myself, so cold that pain and hurt would bounce off of my cold, hard, rotten heart. So cold that emotion would be something I hear of and not experience....i want to be so cold......i just can't take another beating, another shattered dream, broken promise or separation. What do I owe life that it has to rob me? Who have I done wrong that loyalty is non existent? Im always loyal... You reap what you sow right? I'm questioning the seeds and if the ground was good soil. Should I lie down and let it get the best of me, should I run and hide, or do I keep fighting eventhough im tired and just want to feel safe? I wouldnt care about any of this if I were just COLD.

Time...

I was watching Criminal Minds today on t.v. One of the actors quoted something that really spoke to me. He said, " "It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." I stood there in awe for a few seconds and allowed that to process in my mind. Now, im not saying that because it sounds good that its the end all, be all and we should live our lives accordingly but its definitely something to think about. Is this true? To be continued.....

THE RAIN

Today was a rainy day. It rained basically all morning and afternoon. As i left for work the rain got heavier. While driving down the street i noticed several people walking in the rain. Some had umbrellas, some didnt. I thought to myself, wow,you have to be pretty darn motivated to walk somewhere in the pouring rain. As I rode pass some i could see their faces and the looks on their faces told me that they were on a MISSION and the rain was not going to stop them from reaching their destination! With or without protection from the harsh, cold rain and wind they persevered because they had TUNNEL VISION, seeing nothing in sight but the END. This really spoke to me regarding life. No matter what obstacles the journey may hold, getting to your final destination is what matters. PERSEVERE...

Life has a voice and it is speaking ....

Tonight I decided to clean up my apt...i mean really clean. Cracks, crevices, closet, just everything...lately, ive been feeling kind of blue...no particular reason just anticipating moving on to the next chapter of life and getting rid of " baggage." So I've let things get untidy...truth be told...nothing to hide...it happens right ? As I began to clean im thinking, wow this is alot...but as I finished I said to myself ( yes I do talk to myself from time to time lol)" I thought I would never get done with this from the way it looked but somehow, someway I got through it and It got done." It was like an AHA moment...That spoke to me...it reminded me of life....sometimes situations seem like it will never get better, you can't see the end of the tunnel, no light in sight bc of everything in the way blocking your vision BUT somehow, someway IT ALL GETS DONE!!!!

The beginning....

How  I began Blogging
This is quite interesting. I never thought about creating a blog until someone I know created one. After reading theirs I thought' " I could do the same!"  Besides, I love to read, write, express myself through many ways although I've gotten away from it over the years. I used to win awards for public speaking, short stories etc. I was the "it" person when it came to speaking in front of audiences, editing papers, writing...anything that dealt with words. Well they say " if you dont use it, you lose it" and I must say that the lack of cultivating my gift has caused it to die a little.....BUT I must awaken that which is in me!!! LOL