A new song...

You can tell a lot about a person by what they write. Writing is much more an expression from the heart than anything you could ever speak verbally of. Today I was scanning through my previous entries since I started my blog and I realized that all of my posts have the same underlining issues. No matter what the topic was and how they differed it still felt as if I was reading the same story over and over and over and over and over ANNNND OVER. As I continued to read, the words began to all run together and it became clear to me that all it meant was, “You just haven’t done shit yet!” Dancing to the same old sad song, marching to whatever beat that is thrown your way! Starting, quitting, crying, fast, slow, too much, too little, not enough, frustrated, sick, lonely, bored, achieve or not to achieve, no, yes, maybe, today, tomorrow, never, who, why, when, what, where, unsure but certain, lost and found, the light is on but its dim and the list can go on. Surely there isn’t a life without trials and hardship but the great thing about it is that that’s not all there is to life. The cd has been playing but I’ve been stuck on one song. It reminds me of the elephant that I wrote about the other day. Over time he grows stronger and more capable than before to break away but because he has been programmed to stay within the given perimeters, he never tries to escape. Life is truly what you make it. What happens and more importantly, what doesn’t happen is totally up to you. God has equipped us with the tools essential for the “life more abundantly” that is talked about in the bible and not only talked about but PROMISED. However, the promise is conditional. We must hold true to what is asked of us first. James 2:14-26 says, “Faith without works is dead.” this basically means that if you do not put in the work, effort, time and strength to achieve whatever it is that you want it will never happen.. Your belief alone is practically a waste. Faith +deeds= success. It’s time to move on. So what this happened, that hurt you, he left you and she lied. Its life, deal with the pain, get through it and move on. Easier said than done but its possible. Wear the scars as a reminder of how strong you are. A scar just means that once upon a time there was a wound but over time it healed...This reminds me of the men I like. I love to see a confident man with a scar physical or internal. It tells me that he has a story but is strong enough to move through life as if he owns it. It excites me and keeps me interested. It shows me that he is able and willing to handle whatever comes his way. I want people as well as myself to see the same strength in me. The strength to dance to a new song.

One Moment at a time...

Every single moment you spend on this earth is a moment you can make a positive change. It only takes a moment to turn a frown to a smile, to turn a negative thought to a positive thought, and to transform a sense of giving up to a sense of determination. after awhile, all of your moments become one big powerful change. You are the director of your destiny, and you can make it happen one small moment at a time. Keep this in mind as you face hurdles. Remain mindful of your moment-to-moment power......

A way of escape...

Do you know how elephants are trained? a young elephant is tied by the foot to a rope which is atatched to a stake in the ground. After it tries unsuccessfully to dislodge the stake, the elephant accepts that it must stay within the circumference inscribed by the rope to which it is tethered. The animal gives up its efforts to move out of this circle. As the elephant grows larger and stronger it becomes quite capable of uprooting the stake but because it has long since accepted that it is impossible to free itself, it doesn't even try to escape. The elephant is bound not by a physical object but by an illusion. It is limited not by an outside source but by a memory. How many of us are still bound by illusions? Trying to fight our way through barriers that only exist in our minds. Is there a way to escape this illusion? What have you accepted as "truth"? Are the walls you have built to protect yourself from being hurt and disappointed the same walls that have imprisoned you and kept you from experiencing the joy that life has to offer? The illusion of safety at the expense of being fully alive, blaming your past for the mediocre life that you live. We may not have had much control over some things that have happened in our lives ;however, we do have control over how we allow those things to affect us. Steppingstone or Stumbling block, A path to freedom or years of bondage- the choice is yours. Life is beautiful, a gift given to us by God, when I think of all of the time I've wasted waddling in pity and excuses I just want to fall to my knees asking for forgiveness for the things ive taken for granted and for the ignorance I've shown regarding the depth of life. I look forward to what life has to offer. I move on from this phase of life embracing everything that has contributed to the strong, beautiful, loving woman who has found a way of escape......

Cause...Not effect

One of the greatest tragedies of our culture is that we give our power away daily. We believe that there are forces in the outer world that control our fate, while the abiding truth of our life is that we create our own destiny. We Choose other people as objects of romance and credit them with making us happy, and then when they leave we blame them for hurting us. We recieve a check in the mail and we feel abundant; the next day we receive an unexpected bill and we become upset. The sun shines and we feel elated, and then the rain comes and we are depressed. We act as if our happiness or misfortune is dealt to us by any hand except our own. Could such capricious tides be the rulers of our destiny? We are children of a creative God, choosing and chosen to be here to act as cause, not react as effect. Surely we have a greater purpose than to bob helplessly on whimsical waves of circumstances. Although the world would have us believe that we are powerless, there is a strength inside of us that does not depend on other people, the economy, or climatic conditions. Our stength comes from a source deep within ourselves.....

"Conquering the Goliath within"

"Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there."

I am a firm believer that God speaks to us through situations, people, dreams and all sorts of things. The key is to be open and sensitive enough to the voice that is able to change your life and lead you to success. Yesterday I elaborated on a subject " when two worlds collide." I talked about women selling themselves short and our choices of men being limited. Although there is some truth to this I have had time to reflect on myself and search my heart knowing that there's an underlining issue surfacing that needs to be dealt with. " O happy the soul that saw its own faults." Its so easy to point out the faults of others and blame those who hurt you for your reactions. Its no secret that I've been experiencing an emotional meltdown that has been hard to pin point why these feelings are present. I have contributed it to turning 30 in a few months and the fear of being alone and fear of failing. I have realized that my blog " Arrested by Destiny" has been ringing more and more true. God is really pushing me to be greater and to achieve more HOWEVER there is unfinished business that needs to be dealt with and without this healing my goals and achievements will remain unreachable.


Today I was speaking with the same two men that I was speaking with yesterday that prompted my blog entitled " when two worlds collide." One of the men talked about a woman he is currently dating. He describes her as attractive, hard working, extremely intelligent, fun, thoughtful, goal-oriented, has a nice car and home. I said, " wow, that's great, she must be the one." His response was, "hell no, I couldn't be with her!" Immediately my defenses went up and attack mode arose ( defending this woman's right to have a man if she has all of these awesome qualities.) I asked, with my brow raised and ready to fire, "Well why is this?" He says, Because she is just too damn emotional. She cries about everything, she's offended by every little thing I say and she's constantly arguing. I don't argue." He goes on to say, " In addition to, she's 34 years of age, no kids and hasn't been in a committed relationship in quite some time. Something has to be wrong. She's just too hard to deal with." he continues and ends with, " She talks about her and her sister being abused by their mother and maybe that has something to do with it, I don't know." All i could do was sit there in awe and shame. This guy knows nothing of my past yet his words pierced my heart and inside I broke down. I saw myself in this woman that he spoke of and I can identify with her pain and her actions. I thought to myself, I must break from this bondage of being a victim of my past. I do not want to be the woman that no one wants to deal with because she makes decisions based on emotional baggage. Growing up experiencing emotional and physical abuse has taken a toll on my adult life for far too long. I associate situations that transpire now with the abuse and my reactions are offensive because in my eyes , I'm defending myself against the abuser. Its hard to trust and I thought everyone was out to hurt me, I create situations in my mind which builds an " I get you before you get me" mentality meaning I will assume I know what someone is doing to alleviate the possibility of being hurt, then when I come to reality I feel so bad I go overboard with trying to rectify the situation. Someone told me the other day, " you don't realize that going so far in each direction is why you can't find balance." that has stuck in my mind ever since. I panic when I feel someone is leaving or "disowning" me, I have dealt with self esteem issues, depression, fear, suicidal thoughts, finding comfort in food, failed friendships and relationships and the list goes on. I want nothing more than to live a happy, normal life free from the decisions of my mother and her past that ultimately led her to affect my life in such a negative way. There have been times when my mother has apologized indirectly, however, she never said for what and was in denial when I brought it up. How can you forget something that you put someone through for 17 years? I would ask. She never discussed it with me and I never told her that I forgave her because deep down inside, I didn't. I think back on her death and it passes through my mind that maybe it wasn't her sickness that she lost the battle to but years of pain, hurt, bitterness, unforgiveness and torture of some of the things she did that had eaten away at her soul and instead of dealing with it, she gave up. It saddens me to know she lived her life this way covering up her problems with alcohol. I wish i could bring her back to show her that there was an alternative lifestyle waiting for her, but I must move on. I forgive and love her and I pray that God gives peace to her aching soul.


I let go of the hurt. I renounce any and all things associated with my past. I have often talked about how ready I am to love and be loved but I didn't even love myself. I have never said those words regarding myself. I couldn't. I was ashamed of my life and I thought poorly of myself. It brings tears to my eyes but joy to my soul to say, I Love Me. In 29 years this is actually the first time I have said this and I honestly mean it. My past tells a painful story but also a great victory. It doesn't define my life or my potential. I can only hope that my mother, in her own time, has made peace with God regarding the issues she dealt with in her life. I pray that He assures her soul of my undying love for her. I am thankful to be healed. I look forward to continuing my journey free from doubt, fear and negative thoughts. Its often said that no one can change overnight but when you've lived in hurt and pain for years it's when you're fed up that you seize the opportunity for freedom. Yes, your life can change within moments and its up to you to keep that change ongoing to become all that you have dreamed of and more. This is my story unveiled. I'm not ashamed of it, its a beautiful scar that has so much meaning.....

" Sometimes a breakdown can be the beginning of a breakthrough, a way of living in advance through a trauma that prepares you for a future of radical transformation."

Untitled

" pain is weakness leaving the body" my academy instructor used to yell. Its in these weak moments where your soul is being tested. All of the books read, quotes memorized, inspirational vids viewed do not mean a thing if the lessons learned from these things aren't put to use when you most need it. I have so many goals in mind yet I have seemingly unfinished business clouding it all. I look at my life and ask myself, do I really have to do this alone? Am I really turning 30 with no real support system? Wheres the family, the kids, the man, the fly friends ready to go to miami and party? Im estatic about what I know I can do that can possibly bring financial success and a comfortable life style, its no living doubt in my mind that I can achieve these things, BUT at the end of the day when im settled in and the chaos of the day rests, I look around and all I find is the shadows of what could be. Going with the flow of life makes me uncomfortable. Maybe what I desire is not really whats suppose to be. I realize as im writing this that if I stop resisting the life planned for me and say goodbye to the fairy tale in my head, the stress and pressure to be and to have will cease. Yes it would be nice to share life, issues, goals, love, tears, happiness, etc with people in it to win it with you but life goes on...timing is everything. I don't want to wake up one day and say I couldve done this or that but because I wasn't supported I let it go. Its time to utilize what I know to be certain and move forward, even if that means doing it alone....

Arrested by Destiny

Lately Ive been on an emotional roller coaster. Ive been trying to figure out this thing called "life." I dont know if its me being hard on myself or if a higher power is pressing me, pushing me and making me uncomfortable in my present state so that I will begin to work harder to achieve more. I cant explain how intense this "feeling" is. Its Like being in labor awaiting the birth of a child. For nine months its hidden in the womb growing, being nourished, preparing to make its entrance into the world. There's something inside of me thats been growing and it has reached the point where its time to deliver . When destiny reaches maturity nothing can contain it. My soul is restless. Sleepless nights and long days haunt me. Tears consume me and "the zone" has been my place of residence. Theres no time to question if im ready or wonder who will assist me because at this point, its do or die, now or never. Life has given me an ultimatum and non-compliance is not an option...or else. My hiding places have been revealed. Where I used to go for refuge, the resources have dried up. My cover is blown. So here I stand, alone, in the spotlight baring all...unconcealed, undisguised. The path before me awaits my steps, the directions are written in parables and its up to me to figure out precisely what its saying. The last words directed to me from my mother were " To my baby girl, be strong, you have alot to offer the world" has been on replay in my mind. Excuses will not work anymore, something or someone out there needs my input, my talents, gifts ,abilities. What God has placed in me he intended for it to be utilized. The pressure is on. No where to run, no where to hide...I have been eluding destiny but the chase is over, Im cornered and everywhere I turn Im blocked in....do I still try to run and take my chances of ending it all or do I surrender, surrender to destiny. I Come out with my hands up, whatever needs to be done I will do. I have been arrested....arrested by DESTINY......

Good times

Good times.....the times where living in the moment brings such satisfaction...where troubles are non existent, where logistics are thrown away... good times..where the only people that matter are the people in that moment, where good turns great, and bad...well hell its ok we'll deal with the consequences in the morning. Good times... when you get home and check your bank account and find out that last night you thought you were lightweight balling, when diets are broken, laughter is plenty and the guy youve been checking out across the room comes to introduce himself...good times...when you find yourself reading at 9 and by 1030 youre in your get em (him) dress, when the unexpected happens and nothing is concrete and you just go with the flow, when stilettos start to hurt but you keep dancing bc this guy is just too fine, when you give the little guy some play so he can feel like he did something...lol good times...when youre listening to your friend talk and all you hear is blah blah blah eventhough youre looking them dead in the eyes bc the vodka is taking over (lol) , when strangers become friends and people that used to matter no longer holds value...good times..when late nights turn into early mornings and being tired was well worth a GOOD TIME.... I look forward to more good times...


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